T-Stripe hadn't ever called a press conference before.
Largely because he didn't exactly know what a conference was.
Or indeed the 'press.'
More inclined towards whacking fellow derelict factory dwellers around the head verbally and manually it seemed a strange concept to actually want to engage in conversation with them.
But Brown had woken to hardly remember anything about the old 'I have a speech dream'. A pity, because he felt sure he could use it someplace.
So when T-Stripe approached Brown for some semi playful verbal abuse a strange thing happened.
Brown came up with two ideas at once.
The first idea involved lots of desperate people all getting together in a big place and singing (possibly even cooking) but generally hurling abuse at each other until only one of them was still alive.
And the second involved lots of desperate people all getting together in a big place and having abuse hurled at them by someone theoretically quite famous until they were all either no longer alive or at least less clever than the theoretically quite famous person.
Brown was prepared to pitch both ideas to T-Stripe but he ultimately went for the second one because there was less singing and cooking and it could be called 'The Great Press Whack Off' or possibly 'Press Me, I'm a Sucker' or just 'Press Con'. ('Press Con-fer-ence' had been mooted but basically contained too many syllables. And no one wanted to have to explain what a syllable was.)
And so, without forethought, afterthought or pretty much any thought at all, the very first Press Con was held.
Representatives from all over the place were invited, and quite a few were let in on the condition they would only ask polite and fair questions. A few others got in by lying about their age.
When, just a few hours later, The Big T appeared on stage and addressed the crowd, even the most unsurprisable hacks in Catsville were more surprised than they had ever been before. And even the most cynical age-lying purveyors of extra virgin innocence and confusion removed their pants voluntarily and were stripped of their virginity, right there and then, on the Ikea sponsored front row seats. It was a sight to behold. A sight that turned Spunmedia upside down with page views and thumbs-up. Indeed at one point more watchers were upping their thumbs every second than actually inhabit the entire planet. Amazing!
"You're all liars and bad people. Bad people. Even you good ones who I totally like. The best. You'rall crooked. Crooked and bad. But we’re gonna fix it. We’re gonna fix it so good. We're gonna help you. Because you’re great. We're gonna put you somewhere safe. Where you be can great forever. And nobody can get to you. We're gonna lock all of you up. Lock you right up. No more bad dudes. Anywhere. Anywhere at all. And best of all you’re allowed to pay for it yourself.”
"It'll be a smooth operation. Very smooth. Everyone gets to go to jail. And we're gonna roll it out starting now."
At that point the doors opened almost simultaneously around the whole of Alternative Catland and individuals in dubious looking uniforms marched in to arrest absolutely everybody.
"It's for your safety. Because you’re great. And also bad. Safety first. Safety first!"
And even as they filed out of the building having witnessed the very first and last episode of Press Con, the chants of "safety first, safety first" could be heard ringing from the back of the large white van as it drove towards the hastily erected Swedish flat pack prison where the sign at the entrance warned optimistically, “may contain genetically modified nuts”.
to be continued…...
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